Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband, but things changed dramatically after I said, "I do". Our courtship was fabulous, the honeymoon was to die for, and the first year of our marriage was absolute bliss. I know what goes up must eventually come down, but just how far down, I wasn’t sure.
Now girls, it amazes me when we’re dating in college and men manage to look all GQ and dressed to the ten; they are so squeaky clean and polished that pigeon poop would slide right off their bright and shiny foreheads! They're dipped head first into love scented cologne, and even the inside of their car reeks of ‘baby I’m yours!’ They never burped, sniffed, spit or spat, blew their noses or passed gas, but once that wedding ring is on ‘yo finga,’ they erupt every 10 minutes like Old Faithful! Did you have any idea the human body could make so many different sounds, all at one time?
I've seen many men who were drop dead gorgeous, but five years down the road they looked like the body double for Ozzy Osbourne. I dated a guy once, who tried to blame his helter skelter wardrobe on being color blind, but being color blind doesn’t mean you’re shirt blind, pants blind, socks blind and shoe blind! Come on guys, it’s scary to date someone that looks like he’s a back up dancer in the Thriller video!
My sister suggested I read the book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. That’s not even close to the truth. We all know that Women are from Nordstrom and Men are from Costco. In fact, I know that Costco is my husband’s secret lover! I’m totally embarrassed when he walks up and down the isles looking at all his favorite things and moaning oooooo and ahhhhh like he’s getting a full body massage. I gave him a Costco gift card for his birthday and he immediately left the house WITHOUT ME and spent the entire afternoon at Costco. “I guess ‘they’ wanted some time to be alone.”
I realized how far he had actually slipped when he bought me a generator light from Costco for my birthday. He thought I’d be elated and then stated, “What’s wrong? You’re looking at me like I just blew up the White House!" He was like a little kid in a candy store and then he offered, "Hey, let me show you where I think we should put it.” I was speechless and for me that’s almost impossible. I wanted to show him exactly where he could put it!
Ladies, we all had our suspicions that things might change a bit after marriage, but we didn’t know how much. Well, the information released is conclusive that what you don’t know...can kill you!
Update:
Did you know that most men sleep with their wallets in between their knees and their credit cards underneath their arm pits?
Did you know that during football season your husband’s fingers would become permanently imbedded into the remote control and the seat cushion would need to be surgically removed from his butt cheeks at the end of the play offs?
Did you know that men can sleep though the birth of their first child, an earthquake and a tsunami, but will miraculously come out of a deep coma if anyone jingles the keys to his sports car?
Did you know that all men believe they are CIA agents and that’s why how much money they really have is “TOP SECRET"?
Did you know that shortly after the wedding, your charming, romantic, sexy man becomes the reincarnation of “The Great Houdini” and does an incredible disappearing act?
Did you have any idea that the live organisms and cooties at the bottom of his shower are the very same elements used against the enemy in germ warfare?
Did you know on your wedding night you would come to find out that your husband’s Siamese twin, (his mother, never separated at birth) was still attached to his spineless frame like the dorsal fin on a shark?
I’ve discovered that life really isn’t a bowl of cherries, it’s a bowl of mixed nuts and we’re all in it together! We are made to be different and the little idiosyncrasies that drive us crazy are the very reasons we were attracted to them in the beginning. It’s true, opposites do attract!
I would never trade my husband for Brad Pitt and I am really grateful my husband didn’t trade me in for Angelina Jolie. Brad Pitt may be a heartthrob on the big screen, but my husband is a “superstar” in real life! I love you honey and I’ll be home in about 4 hours, I’m still at Nordstroms! by Linda S. Urza
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