It Really BUGS Me!

Yesterday, I went outside to take out the trash.  I cut through the garage and I happened to notice a dark shadow out of the corner of my eye. There was something moving in one of the sticky bug traps I had just put out the night before. The shadow seemed larger than usual and my first thought was, it must be a small mouse.  Since I didn’t have my glasses on, and I was several yards away, I decided to take a closer look.  I moved directly above the bug trap to examine my catch. It was a giant, hairy, black tarantula the size of a pit bull!  I nearly dislocated my back as I ricocheted off the walls of the garage like an atom. My arms and legs were involuntarily flailing and I began slapping my clothing as if they were on fire!  For some reason I believe spiders can teleport themselves across the room and end up on my body and I believe that spiders have hidden agendas.

I evaluated my fears of spiders and came up with a neurotic diagnoses for why I suffer so severely  from arachnophobia.  No offense to Charlotte’s Web, but I've mastered the art of killing a spider from across the room with the snap of the wrist and the perfect launch of my husband's remote control.  

My fears are valid and etched in stone. Here are just a few good reasons why I hate spiders!

 It could be the fact that...

1.  Spiders look exactly like transformers!

2.  Spiders move faster than the human eye!

3.  They lurk in dark places waiting to pounce. Such criminal behavior. 

4.  Any bug creeping around in the dark while I am sleeping is pure EVIL!

5.  Spiders are sneaky, they should make noises when they walk, like horses!

6.   Black Widow spiders eat their mates ~ absolutely unacceptable!!!

7.  They bite without warning! Even dogs let you know they’re coming!

8.   Spiders are cowards!  They need to come out and fight like a man!

9.   Too many legs. Spiders should only have one leg or be on crutches.

10.  And, I can’t freakin’ kill one unless it’s drowning in bug spray!

In my perfect world, there would't be a place for spiders. I don’t mean to offended the Entomologists out there and I know they believe that spiders are good for the balance of nature, because they eat other bugs But, I don’t really care because none of those bugs will ever have a place in my perfect world either!